Khushhal Nadir Hadi
Bachelors in Sarcasm
Majors in MUN
A2S2
Dear Diary,
You and I, we all have those stories that no one should ever know about. Like the time you walked around with your shirt inside out; feeling warm and fuzzy because that cute girl actually smiled at you (nah, smiled? you mean drooled!). Or like when you crushed your cousin while playing tag with him (sure, it was an accident!), and the poor little fellow never trusts 'big guys' now; keeping a good six-foot distance away from them.
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I'm A Superhero.
No, it's not a towel that I'm wearing as a cape. |
All of that might have happened, but till date what probably is my most embarrassing, entertaining and dangerous escapade, cloaked in secrecy (until now), is my
E.W.T.B. Yes that's right, this is the top-secret stuff, for your eyes and ears only (hehe, we both know no-one else is reading this bunch of loose, dog-eared pages anyway!). When I say my
E.W.T.B I mean my Encounter With The Bully. Yes 'the' bully... the bully who puts Mike Tyson to shame. Who probably had a truck for breakfast, a horse for lunch and tiny eleven year old me as a toothpick. Curious? Scared? Rein in your horses, the best is yet to come!
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E.W.T.B
Fear it, or you'll be sorry. |
So how did my
E.W.T.B come across, and why is it now a local legend in the red-neighbourhood-with-a-blue-
sky? (You can keep looking, you won't find it. I have no intention of being replaced in its local history book!)
The story starts with an eleven year old me, the typical, cheerful, self-obsessed, smarty-pants that only someone who's aged eleven can be. Only, this someone had just discovered his knack for both sarcasm, and feeling like a superhero. So when superhero-me was asked, no wait, commanded to go get kryptonite (read: groceries) from planet Earth (read: The 'Dukaan' shop round the corner) by the Dark Knight (read: my mother, when in a good mood can be the Joker too; she did send me out of the room when I called her that, it's too easy to anger the Joker *sigh*). He leapt up, was booted out the door where he mounted his glorious black charger (Read: a tricycle. No I wasn't too young for one!) and galloped away gallantly, rubbing his sore bottom.
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| Mission Protocol: An Eleven Year Old Can Do Anything. |
On my way to the Dukaan shop (yes, you won't find this one either!), I proudly sat high on my tricycle, swelled up like a puffer-fish, feeling very happy that I had finally been deemed worthy of going to buy the groceries, ending my thirteen year old arch-nemesis (my brother's) hold over me. No longer could I be reviled as a lesser specie as I too could now get the groceries!
Having brought the groceries successfully (and having paid much more money that it usually took, as eggs from Jamaica and ketchup from Chicago really do lighten wallets), I strutted out like a proud peacock, loaded my tricycles handlebars with shopping bags having eggs, tomato ketchup and other unimportant things, and rode out at full speed. I'd read something by some really smart guy (Einstein) that said if you travelled at the speed of light, time stopped. Too bad he didn't mention not to travel on footpaths nor on tricycles. As I turned round the corner, time didn't stop, but my tricycle did and I went flying (very superhero-ish no?) with all the shopping bags and landed on the ground.
“These scientists and their stupid theories”, I grumbled, rolling over and pushing myself up. What a sight! The entire footpath was covered in streams of egg yolk and bits of egg shell from those silly weak excuses for shopping bags. I looked down at myself and immediately wished I hadn't. My brand new 'Born A Nerd' shirt was splattered with tomato ketchup, so were my power ranger shoes. As I took this all in, a huge guttural moan broke the silence, followed by a strange smell of sour beans. As I gagged and looked towards the sound, I saw a huge pit filled with pebbles, closing just inches from my face.
There were two huge sausage with two holes, twitching. A nose? It was a nose! Or was it? I poked it in one of the holes.
“Eew!” I exclaimed, drawing out my finger covered in slime. It was a nose! And that was when The Bully finally stood up. All six and a half feet of him (All three hundred pounds of him too, but that took time).
All I could see was a shadow. I looked up, and up, and up, and up. But, I couldn't see his 'nose' from underneath his huge, egg yolk strewn, belly.
I felt like Columbus would've felt when he discovered America. “It's... so... huge!”
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Run? |
To be continued...
Note: All the doodle images are attempts at comics of Lubaina Ehsan.
